06 Oct An (Two) Empty Cradle
I have struggled for quite a while with how I want to share this story and if it should be told at all. While contemplating, I wrote a draft that mysteriously disappeared. I accepted it as a sign I shouldn’t tell this story but here I am at midnight typing ferociously on my laptop.
Last year July, an incident at work inspired me to write about the struggles of TTC Couples.
I was working with my colleague when I commented that the work area smelt funny. The guy gave me a curious ‘has it entered look’ which I brushed aside because no be today. A few days later, I discovered I was pregnant. If you’ve been trying for a baby for quite a while, you would understand the joy, the peace, and all the emotions that come at once. I didn’t know if I should cry or laugh. I had planned how I was going to break the news to my husband- Nollywood style but at that instant, all I cared about was just to break the story to whoever cared to listen. Things however took a downward turn a few weeks after.
I started experiencing mild cramps and went to the doctor. He did an ultrasound scan which showed there was no foetal pole. Not wanting to alarm me, he said it might be too early asking me to come back in two weeks. After two weeks, we went for another scan and the first thing the doctor asked was if we had a history of twins in my family. At that point, I did a mental backflip and turned to look at the screen. There it was- 2 sacs-but still no fetal activity. I became very alarmed at the prognosis.
In the next week that followed, I prayed, cried, confessed scriptures, sowed seed- I did everything I knew to do hoping for a miracle. I searched the internet for stories of people whom their story turned out to be false and found one. I dwelt on that story reading it every day until the 5th of October when I miscarried the pregnancy. I quickly left for the hospital with my laptop and no overnight clothes!
The days after went in a blur. There was so much physical and emotional pain. I can never forget the evacuation of what was left of the fetuses. The pain was brutal and the memories long-lasting. Days after, I could still hear myself screaming in my dream.
The weeks after I returned from the hospital, I cried myself to sleep. I was wondering, maybe I didn’t pray enough? Maybe there was something wrong with me? I would put up a bold face when hubby was around and once, he left, the fountains would gush. Recovery from a miscarriage is not talked about enough because it is shrouded in so much secrecy as though it is taboo. Losing baby weight was not as easy as I would have expected. Maybe because it was a twin pregnancy, I became bloated early on.
The tears eventually dried but I took to comfort eating. It was my easy way out of my misery. Prior to that time, I didn’t know why someone would resort to eating when they were going through a phase. From October until April/May I ate all I could.
Now, I hold on to what is left of the pregnancy-which is a picture we took on the 2nd scan.
Why am I sharing this now?
I wanted to share this post on my EDD, but I just couldn’t get myself to talk about it. That day, I came across a draft of a post-dated blog that started with … if you are reading this article, then it means I have put it to bed… and it just broke me.
Well, it’s exactly one year after and I think I’m in an OK place to share.
Maybe I’m finally moving on, or I want to resume writing or perhaps encourage someone. We often hope things would go perfectly in life, with no hiccups and all but I’ve found that obstacles are part of the pathway. Robert Schuller said, Tough Times Never Last but Tough People Do. So, if you are going through a difficult period in your life, I want you to know that this too shall pass.
Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, Though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. Habakkuk 3:17-18