The tale of a Nigerian Expectant mother. A 7-step guide on how to navigate successfully

The Tale of a Nigerian Expectant Mother

A 7-step Guide on How to Navigate Successfully

To qualify as a “waiting woman” in Nigeria, you just have been married for one day. I kid you not.

By Sunday afternoon, during your thanksgiving service, some supermoms are already scrutinizing your walking steps to ascertain if “the do was done”… And from then, they begin to count down to  40 weeks. It doesn’t matter what your cycle says.

As someone who has been there, here are things you mustn’t do in public to avoid scrutiny.

  • 1. You must not cough in public.
    Do you know the type of cough that requires spitting out phlegm? Don’t do it. It’s better to use shame to swallow the proverbial phlegm. Once you spit out for any reason that’s a sign “it has entered”

  • 2. You must not eat more than your stomach can take.
    You know how your stomach can have a bulge after a heavy breakfast or lunch? That’s an automatic “Congratulations, oga na sharpshooter”

  • 3. Similar to number 2, you must not put on weight especially around your mid-region.
    If you’re the type who gains weight on the face,  forget, it’s first trimester hormones that are all over the place.

  • 4. Falling asleep at work
    As a “waiting mom” nodding off at work or public places should be 100% avoided. Again, the hormones are to be blamed. Colleagues will give you the “we understand you guys were working hard all night” look or “Nah so new belle dey do body”

  • 5. Answering phone with a drudgery voice
    So of all my experiences, this one was very weird. Apparently, pregnancy hormones make one develop baritone. If you’re just waking up from sleep and a call comes in, switch up to a high pitch voice. Otherwise, it will be assumed that the “ball has entered the goal post”

  • 6. Dressing matters a lot.
    Wearing a maxi blouse or dress is no longer a fashion trend. It means you try to hide your bump. Whatever you wear, womb watchers are going to be zooming in to see a bump: real or imagined.

  • 7.Don’t complain when people randomly pray for you in public or say things like ” no worry God go do am”, “why are you chasing career? Do quick born” or “Your mother-in-law no dey worry you? ” This too will pass” Etc.

Nigeria is a wonderful place but not just for women who don’t have kids. The expectation is that you would fall pregnant on your wedding night. If not, there’s a grace period of 1-6 months. Anything after that, they will call the God of Hannah for your case.

What did I miss? Let’s discuss it in the comment section.

PS: Every good and perfect gift comes from above. Coming down from the Father of Heavenly lights, who does not shift like shifting shadows. James 1:17

  • Toby Nwazor
    Posted at 07:08h, 16 August Reply

    Don’t make the mistake and mention a crave. You suddenly feel like eating corn and pear? Keep it to yourself.

    • Chizzy Nwokoye
      Posted at 01:01h, 17 August Reply

      Aha Toby.
      You’re in the spirit.

      I can’t forget how I made a post about wanting small chops.

      My DM was people telling me “congratulations” and “don’t eat too much so your baby will not be overweight”

      Now, I keep my food cravings to myself

      Thank you

  • Berry
    Posted at 07:25h, 16 August Reply

    Hahahahahah, this is quick funny as well as unfortunate. Why wouldn’t be ask what the plans are? What if hubby and I decide to wait for a year before trying to have kids. Anyway, is it not the same NIGERIa that Shames and unmarried 30years old woman. What was I even expecting. But I had a good laugh, atleast I know what to avoid when I walk down the aisle.

    • Chizzy Nwokoye
      Posted at 01:04h, 17 August Reply

      Oh yes, Berry.

      There is always something to be shamed about and it shouldn’t be so at all.

      If you decide to wait, someone will remind you about the quality of your eggs and how the almighty biological clock is ticking

  • Osoro
    Posted at 07:32h, 16 August Reply

    Lol, you can not say you feel sick or have a headache.. it will be assumed that it don enter..

  • Munchy
    Posted at 16:27h, 16 August Reply

    It’s better to use shame to swallow the proverbial phlegm. Once you spit out for any reason that’s a sign “it has entered”
    …….This one is so funny

    Then The weight gain dt attract oga na sharp shooter

    Then d sleeping off part…am just sorry,d 1st question for u is ahaah!, this one u r sleeping, are u pregnant/e don enter?,…so man pikin cannot be tired again abi

    “Apparently, pregnancy hormones make one develop baritone”…..this part is true for most people and i found that part in my own pregnancy.

    “Whatever you wear, womb watchers are going to be zooming in to see a bump: real or imagined”…….this got me cracking , even u will start having fake symptoms all because

    Then to add mine, another don’ts is the “smell part”
    Don’t ever be the first to comment on the way a place or thing is smelling especially if your mother in law or close elderly relation
    is close to u…dt one is a sure score for them dt u r on the way to be called mummy

    Nice read Chizzy❤️

    • Chizzy Nwokoye
      Posted at 01:10h, 17 August Reply

      Hey Muna,

      I had a good laugh when I saw your post because I can relate 100%.

      Yes, I am just learning that a lot of women develop baritone during pregnancy.

      That smell part. I did that last week and my colleague gave me this funny look and I knew what he thinking

      Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience

      I’m glad you enjoyed the post ❤️

  • grandoz girl
    Posted at 17:49h, 16 August Reply

    Lol @ Number 5, when I was pregnant people said my voice sounded like someone coming from the theatre, have I delivered. The thing is that at every point there must be something they’re pressuring you for. Ask me about those who have passed 30 and still single, I was the chairlady of that class and I had it hot till I got my mouth razor sharpened waiting to give it back to them subtly.

    • Chizzy Nwokoye
      Posted at 00:59h, 17 August Reply

      That’s true. The pressure from society will always be there. Even when you give birth, someone will ask you about baby number 2.

      We might just do another list for 30+ and unmarried

  • Tobechi Nwokoye
    Posted at 18:47h, 16 August Reply

    Don’t even bother being down with cold, they will be like ‘ my sister na so baby boys de disturb, you know you are expecting a boy right, jisike’, that day I kuku left office for them

    • Chizzy Nwokoye
      Posted at 00:57h, 17 August Reply

      Haha. Can you imagine

  • Katchy Nwaebiem
    Posted at 18:02h, 17 August Reply

    Hahaha. Keep your face powdered and dry t all times, if you have an oily face, you are always a suspect.

    • admin
      Posted at 19:15h, 17 August Reply

      At this point, my notebook is getting filled up.

      Note to self, always carry powder

  • Ifechukwu ENWEANI
    Posted at 19:05h, 17 August Reply

    I wish people could learn to not say everything that comes to mind. I don’t know how well you took it but some people get so depressed from the reactions. How can you grief more than the bereaved. And what if it was conscious decision to wait .

    • Chizzy Nwokoye
      Posted at 22:59h, 20 August Reply

      Oh well,

      After a while, you grow a thick skin and just leave how to deal with it/them

  • Pingback:30+ And Single? 10 Common Things You Have DEFINITELY Experienced - évonia
    Posted at 15:04h, 20 August Reply

    […] responses I got from Sunday’s post were hilarious and relatable. I knew I had to do part […]

  • Ijeoma Osadebe
    Posted at 20:16h, 20 August Reply

    You say, “I’m tired”. Ha! Huge error. You must never feel tired ooo.

    • Chizzy Nwokoye
      Posted at 04:15h, 21 August Reply

      Tired keh?
      The word does not exist

  • Ruth
    Posted at 18:34h, 05 April Reply

    Looolz. Hilarious and so true!

    Societal expectations are never ending. Best to develop a thick skin and at best choose to find humor in it to help your mental health.

  • Blessing Onu
    Posted at 06:54h, 06 April Reply

    “womb watchers”…lol
    you’ll literally catch their eyes on your stomach. They look there before they look at your face. In my opinion, the first year for one who’s waiting is usually the worst… filled with many “false congratulations” May God bless all TTCs in His time.

  • Lian
    Posted at 18:00h, 06 April Reply

    You dare not complain about a headache or being tired in public. I am currently experiencing this syndrome.
    Amazing post my inspiration. Sooo relatable

    • Chizzy Nwokoye
      Posted at 19:35h, 06 April Reply

      Oh yes, ‘tired’ should not exist in your lexicon.

      Thank you Lian

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