16 Dec What Doesn’t Kill You…
Estimated reading time: 3 minutes
I started my PhD in the Fall of 2022 with such lofty (and perhaps unrealistic) goals. Three publications per year, fellowships, internships, and at least 2 conferences every session. Like many new entrants, I was so green-eyed that the Grinch would have stolen my eyes. However, not long into the program, my aspirations began to… and continue… to unravel. I would not give much detail about my program quagmire as it is an ongoing dilemma. But here today, at 11:55 PM, while in full panic mode trying to get final edits for my poster, I am questioning my path for the millionth time.
The first question, and one that most frequently lingers in my mind, is “should I have enrolled in this PhD program?” For as long as I can remember, I always wanted to get my doctorate. I planned my life in a traditional B.Eng./M.Sc./PhD pathway. So, while I took a detour to work in an industry role, my heart kept longing to return to my path. Now, I question whether that path was ever mine or perhaps if I held on for too long the idea of what I no longer want? Or did I underestimate the difficulty of my chosen path? When I am not questioning my enrollment, I ponder what my supervisor thinks of me? If I will ever be good enough for my program, If I have a pathway to the finish line? If I will ever finish?
To say that this has been a difficult journey would be a gross understatement of the obvious. I have endured countless setbacks, a strain on my mental and emotional well-being. I fear admitting these feelings, acknowledging that they exist, giving form to a suppressed voice in my head, and maybe admitting failure. My friends often remind me how this has always been the dream I shared with them, and as some would anecdotally remark, “what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger”. But what if strength is not what I seek? What if relief, escape, or an end is what I want?
Years before starting my program, I read Grit by Angela Durkworth, a PhD thesis she had transformed into a bestseller. Although I have always thought of myself as someone with insane grit, this program has made me redefine my metric of success. Success here has been too few and far in-between, so when it comes, it aggravates my thirst for validation rather than assuaging it. Talking with some others in my cohort, I get the sense that I am not alone. However, this temporary feeling of camaraderie in suffering quickly vanishes with the announcement of a new publication in the department that does not carry my name as an author.
If you read this and send me a private message, I promise I will tell you that I am fine. And if you ask how my research is going, I will lie through my teeth and say, “never been better!”. Because, at this stage, what does not kill me will had better not turn my hair gray…just make me stronger.
Eccl 7:8: Finishing is better than starting. Patience is better than pride
Ozioma Mercy
Posted at 05:50h, 16 DecemberYou inspire me and a good number of others. You have always been dogged and a goal getter. Regardless of the challenges on the way, victory is sure. Rooting for you always.
Chukwukadibia
Posted at 07:17h, 16 DecemberThat journal written years before you started your PhD says so much about your heart in the path.
You’ve always said that’s what you wanted, and as you are on the path, you will see the reasons why the path stayed in your heart while you were at the industry role..
Maybe the toughness of the process is what will refine your thoroughness in getting things done. Maybe the journey is for you to understand the structure of the kind of value your vision in life aims to bring to the table. Surely, you are not just a ‘get-the-certificate’ kind; you are a ‘create-value-with-the-degree’ kind. The process is what makes you a refiner of a product that becomes of great Value. Just like Angela’s Grit got so refined and travelled beyond academic circles, your journey is shaping you to refinement and the refinement of your ideas, products or services.
Questioning the path a millionth time shows that the answers you will get from the path could become valuable to you a million folds and to millions of people. Staying in the path makes you the one with the top say.
A great journey is defined by the range and depth of what you are able to see on the path; this journey is truly showing you deeper things than you imagined.
You have always wanted to be great or to express your greatness; this tough process is cooking you so hot.
Your words show that you are in a refinery that makes you a person of great value.
Jisike!!!
Wish you well always.
Toby Nwazor
Posted at 07:41h, 16 DecemberI’m not doing a tasking phd so I may not relate with how tough it is. But I know what it feels like to get tired. Two months ago I remember one of my pastors reaching out to me and reminding me that what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. I almost “changed it for him”. But I politely told him that I’m tired of building strength, that I know the way to the gym. And if it is about me singing “I am a soldier in the battlefield…”, that I no wan fight again. I want to do office work (with AC o).
That’s on a lighter note though. But all that is to say that I still believe that all will be well.
Your life is like a book. And you are the author. If I’m reading your life, I’d say it’s interesting. But most importantly, I can’t wait to read the next page because I’m sure it would be great.
So keep writing dear!
Chizzy Nwokoye
Posted at 18:40h, 16 DecemberI know!!! Like no dey motivate me. I’ve stopped singing songs like ‘I still got joy in chaos’. How about joy with chaos? Ease? Progress without struggle?
Anyway, thank you for your kind words… I am also looking forward to the next chapter for real
dnddyon
Posted at 16:50h, 16 DecemberMy babe, you don talk am finish!
But this is part of the journey and you’re doing great!
Always rooting for you!
P.S: maybe we should consistently speak about this process and let it all out. Maybe it feels so heavy because we have it all locked in.
You write so well! Looking forward to your novel!
Chizzy Nwokoye
Posted at 17:47h, 16 DecemberOh yes, I subscribe to just letting it all out. I hope we see each other at the other end of the hood soon. As for the novel, the vision is yet for an appointed time….
Chukwuma Nwokoye
Posted at 08:49h, 17 DecemberI hear and see the exhaustion in your words, and I want you to know that the weight you’re carrying the “I’m fine” mask and the midnight panic doesn’t mean you aren’t cut out for this; it just means you are human… and a babygirl. While those initial “green-eyed” goals have shifted, your worth was never tied to a publication count, and choosing to finish with patience Please remember Galatians 6:9: “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”
Ekene Agbazue
Posted at 18:56h, 17 DecemberChiez star. Gaba n’ihu.
Victory
Posted at 01:51h, 18 DecemberSending you love and a big teddy bear hug
Katchy Nwaebiem
Posted at 02:17h, 18 DecemberPenning this down publicly is great victory, you are not walking this path alone. We will be here, cheering you on until the finish line. The feelings in-between are all part of the process, fact is, if it wasn’t PHD, it could still be in your 9-5. My point is, life has its drama and strains it comes with for every endeavour- for yours at the moment, this PHD.
Cry when you feel like, pause and rest when needed, I do know that you are a finisher and the daughter of ONE.
Hugs hugs hugs Chiezugolum Ijeoma Odilinye- Nwokoye PhD.
Michel Pepple
Posted at 04:20h, 18 DecemberMy dear Chizzy,
First, I want to thank you for sharing this. To write with such honesty, especially in the midst of a panic-driven late-night edit, requires a courage that your “fine” and “never been better” replies try to hide. Please know that this space holds no expectation for those lies. Here, you can just be as you are: exhausted, questioning, and human.
What you’ve described isn’t a failure of grit or a deviation from a dream. It is the PhD experience itself, stripped of its brochure-ready glamour. The lofty goals you set at the start—three publications a year, fellowships, a perfect linear path—are not a measure of your worth. They are the mirage that appears at the beginning of every desert crossing. Almost everyone who journeys far enough watches that mirage dissolve. What’s left is the real, gritty, disorienting, and profoundly difficult terrain you’re navigating now. The fact that you’re in it, feeling every rock and straining under the sun, doesn’t mean you’re lost. It means you’ve moved past the fantasy and into the real work. That is a sign of progress, however brutal it feels.
Your questions are not signs of weakness; they are the essential, agonizing work of a thinking person on a hard path. “Should I have enrolled?” “Was this ever my path?” “What does my supervisor think?” These are the ghosts that haunt every library carrel and lab bench after dark. They linger in the minds of the very peers who seem to be sprinting ahead. That fleeting camaraderie in suffering is real—the isolation you feel when it fades is also real. Both are true. But the publication with someone else’s name on it is not a verdict on your own story. It is merely a mile marker on a different road.
You asked a profound question: “What if strength is not what I seek? What if relief, escape, or an end is what I want?”
This may be the most important question of all. It deserves an answer stripped of cliché. The “what doesn’t kill you” narrative can be a tyranny. Sometimes, the goal isn’t to become a stronger version of a person you no longer recognize. Sometimes, the goal is peace. And peace can look like many things: it can look like persevering with new boundaries, it can look like a leave of absence, it can look like redefining the dream, or it can look like a conscious, courageous choice to walk a different path. Any choice made for your own well-being is a choice of integrity, not failure. The “you” from 2020 who dreamed this dream would want the “you” of today to be alive, well, and not utterly broken.
You are not failing. You are feeling. You are calibrating. You are in the messy, painful, and often lonely middle of a monumental undertaking. The fact that you are still there, at 11:55 PM, trying to get the edits done—not out of blind ambition, but out of a stubborn, weary commitment—tells me your grit is not gone. It has just shed its shiny skin. The grit that remains is quieter, heavier, and more real. It’s the grit that asks, “Is this worth it?” and still shows up to try, even while awaiting the answer.
Be gentle with yourself. The dream wasn’t a lie, but dreams evolve as we do. It’s okay to mourn the version of this journey you envisioned while slowly, painfully, building the version you can actually endure—or deciding to build something else entirely.
You are not alone in this feeling. And you are more than enough, exactly as you are in this moment: questioning, tired, and deeply human.
With utmost respect and understanding.
Chinecherem Ezeihejafor
Posted at 04:26h, 18 DecemberI’ve learned that sometimes the healthiest thing is to pause, let yourself cry until the weight eases, and then you can fall asleep, like just rest. When you wake up, it’s a new day—another chance to find a research topic, or a team to collaborate with. That’s enough! Just the willingness to keep going, taking it one day at a time. That’s all you need.
Jisike nne.