15 Aug The tale of a Nigerian Expectant mother. A 7-step guide on how to navigate successfully

To qualify as a “waiting woman” in Nigeria, you just have been married for one day. I kid you not.

By Sunday afternoon, during your thanksgiving service, some supermoms are already scrutinizing your walking steps to ascertain if “the do was done”… And from then, they begin to count down to  40 weeks. It doesn’t matter what your cycle says.

As someone who has been there, here are things you mustn’t do in public to avoid scrutiny.

• 1. You must not cough in public.
  Do you know the type of cough that requires spitting out phlegm? Don’t do it. It’s better to use shame to swallow the proverbial phlegm. Once you spit out for any reason that’s a sign “it has entered”

• 2. You must not eat more than your stomach can take.
  You know how your stomach can have a bulge after a heavy breakfast or lunch? That’s an automatic “Congratulations, oga na sharpshooter”

• 3. Similar to number 2, you must not put on weight especially around your mid-region.
  If you’re the type who gains weight on the face,  forget, it’s first trimester hormones that are all over the place.

• 4. Falling asleep at work
  As a “waiting mom” nodding off at work or public places should be 100% avoided. Again, the hormones are to be blamed. Colleagues will give you the “we understand you guys were working hard all night” look or “Nah so new belle dey do body”

• 5. Answering phone with a drudgery voice
  So of all my experiences, this one was very weird. Apparently, pregnancy hormones make one develop baritone. If you’re just waking up from sleep and a call comes in, switch up to a high pitch voice. Otherwise, it will be assumed that the “ball has entered the goal post”

• 6. Dressing matters a lot.
  Wearing a maxi blouse or dress is no longer a fashion trend. It means you try to hide your bump. Whatever you wear, womb watchers are going to be zooming in to see a bump: real or imagined.

• 7.Don’t complain when people randomly pray for you in public or say things like ” no worry God go do am”, “why are you chasing career? Do quick born” or “Your mother-in-law no dey worry you? ” This too will pass” Etc.

Nigeria is a wonderful place but not just for women who don’t have kids. The expectation is that you would fall pregnant on your wedding night. If not, there’s a grace period of 1-6 months. Anything after that, they will call the God of Hannah for your case.

What did I miss? Let’s discuss it in the comment section.

PS: Every good and perfect gift comes from above. Coming down from the Father of Heavenly lights, who does not shift like shifting shadows. James 1:17